"I Don't Know How She Does It" Book/Movie Review

**SPOILER ALERT--If you are interested in either reading this book or watching this movie, do NOT read this post until you have done so!!**

I borrowed "I Don't Know How She Does It" on DVD from the library after having read the book several months ago. The book was a great read--very funny and "Bridget Jones' Diary"-esque. It encapsulated the basic struggle that some women face in balancing work life and family life, and that includes dealing with the perceptions and judgments of other moms or fellow co-workers. The storyline made the tension between those two realms palpable and realistic...up until the end. This book had one of the most depressing endings of any book I've read. After all the success the main character, Kate, had strived to gain in her job, she ultimately quits to succumb to life as a stay-at-home mom. Throughout the whole story I had been cheering her on, hoping that she would find a way to have a great career AND be a great mom (and then let me in on her secret), but the fact that she ended up sacrificing one thing for the other left me feeling as though there is no hope.

The movie approximated the book as well as any movie based on a book can. I'm not a huge fan of Sarah Jessica Parker and I wondered to what degree all of her time on SATC affected the way the movie was written. She tended to play both the main character and the narrator, but since the book was written in first person, this seemed to work well. I thought she did well in the role--you could sympathize with her each time she faced a disappointment and celebrate with her each time she succeeded in something. The ending was still disappointing, but this time in a different way. At the end, Kate finally stands up to her boss and refuses to take a last minute business trip that would mean sacrificing more time with her family. While at first it appears that she's about to get fired, her boss instead lets her postpone the trip based on her recent success in landing a new account. The whole story was supposed to be about the ways in which the work world and home world do not mix, so for the movie to end this way seemed a bit unrealistic. In the final scene, Kate meets up with her husband as he is picking the kids up from school and promises that she will change her workaholic habits and begin putting her family ahead of her work. In this way I guess the movie was similar to the book. Even though in the movie Kate didn't end up sacrificing her job completely, I was still left doubting that she would actually be satisfied.

One main theme of both the book and the movie is that Kate has two jobs, two things she loves--her work and her family, but she isn't handling either of them well. I've definitely sympathized with that idea lately. In the past couple weeks, even just working part time has been so exhausting that I feel like I am not able to give 100% of myself when I am at work and I have even less to give when I am home caring for my daughter. I feel like I am short-changing her because I don't have the energy to be creative with her or to play with her as much as she would like, but I also feel like I'm short-changing myself because I haven't been able to move ahead in my career and make the most of the time that I have to spend away from home. I'm hoping that this feeling will change, but I'm pretty sure it will take more than just a conscious effort to make a difference in either of these areas.

First Weeks as a "Working Mom"

First of all, let me just say how much I hate that term--"Working Mom." It implies that moms who don't work outside the home don't work at all. Anyone who's spent more than a few hours caring for a young child knows that that's not true.

My transition to the working world has been challenging for everyone. My daughter has been in daycare for two full days every week. Mondays are the worst. It breaks my heart to wake her up early after a relaxing family weekend so my husband and I can run around like maniacs trying to get her out the door. I can tell it's stressful for her too, but at least she gets to ride with Daddy in the morning, which is more than she usually gets to see of him.

The new work schedule has thrown me a bit off course. It's become more challenging to squeeze in a workout in the morning on work days. Luckily, because my schedule is flexible, I was able to push back my start time in the morning to hopefully accommodate a bit of exercise. I've also been trying to find ways to keep things interesting. I've joined the online community at Tone It Up and have big plans for the last three weeks of my 5k training to increase my speed and really push myself.

Here's hoping things continue to go smoothly as new challenges arise!

Occupational Identity Crisis

While registering for a doctor's appointment I had a few weeks ago, the receptionist asked me my occupation. For some reason, without hesitation, I told her that I am a stay-at-home mom. The last time I was asked this question was when my husband and I were getting our marriage license. At that point, I told the clerk that I was an attorney. Since then, I have had at least two other conversations pertaining to my employment status. When a personal banker noticed that I did not have a job title associated with my account, he stumbled over the fact that he'd almost said I was unemployed and instead referred to me as a 'household manager.' Another doctor asked me if I was working and when I told him I take care of my daughter, he asked how old she was and then commented, 'So you do work as an attorney then!'

The difficulty in defining my occupation has become all the more difficult now that I accepted a job with the organization I've been volunteering for for the past few months. The hours are incredibly flexible, so I can work as much or as little as I want, provided that I am still providing competent representation to my clients. So does that mean I am attorney on the days I am in the office and a mom on every other day? Or am I an attorney in the same way that I am always a mom? How much can a job define who we are as people? I've said before that I feel there is a sense of pride associated with receiving a paycheck, but I'm coming to realize that there can be just as much pride in the work involved in raising a child. After all, it is the toughest job in the world.

Focused on Fitness

My lack of success in the job field has led me to focus my efforts on other areas of my life that I actually have some control over--namely diet and exercise. I recently joined a neighborhood running club (despite hating running for most of my life) to train for a 5k event. I've also been doing some workout DVDs and am starting to see some results. Also, with the unseasonably warm weather we've been having, baby and I have been getting out for walks as often as we can. I'm hoping that these efforts will help me to find a different sort of fulfillment than the kind I anticipate receiving by becoming a productive member of society. Plus, it's a great opportunity to help me get rid of the last of my baby weight!

The Lawyer-Wife?

I came across yet another interesting article from Yahoo! Shine. This one's about the meaning of the term 'wife' and whether we should change the term as the role is being refined. One excerpt in particular struck a chord with me:

 In the very first issue of Ms. Magazine, Judy Syfer defined the traditional role:

I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up …

That's not what I think of when I think of a 'wife.' It sounds more like a slave. Granted, I do take responsibility for many of these tasks in my own household, but my husband is more than capable of organizing his own personal things, thank you very much. I don't necessarily think 'partner' is a fair term either because, to me, it implies equality--and let's face it, no man participates equally in the household with a woman. If such a man exists, I would like to meet him and shake his hand.

To me, the term 'wife' refers to nothing other than a married woman. It doesn't come with a list of duties attached. And why should it? Does a man gain any additional responsibilities just because he becomes a 'husband'?

What I'd really like to know is where did all of these rules come from? Who decided that women should take over all of the essential daily duties? And what does that leave for the men to do--besides working outside the home? Maybe that means they have more time to enjoy some scotch and a cigar. But then when does the woman ever get a break? I'm finding myself torn between accepting the reality of the situation (that being a wife (in the traditional sense of the word) and a mother is a non-stop obligation) or fighting against it and trying to change the situation. What do you think?

The Terrible Almost-Twos

My daughter will be 21-months old tomorrow and is already exhibiting elements of that "terrible two" phase. She threw a total fit at Panera this afternoon because I wouldn't let her crawl on the floor. So much of the past couple weeks has been filled with her trying to assert her independence. Frankly, it's exhausting. She's been so laid-back that this new phase has been quite a shock to us. It's been especially tough now that my husband and I are back from our belated honeymoon and are having to settle in to our old routine with her.

Despite all the trials though, a week away has made me all the more excited and motivated to be the best stay-at-home mommy I can be. I'm trying to fill up our social calendar with playdates and outings to keep my daughter active and engaged. I'm also trying to maintain my motivation to keep up my job search efforts and find some additional energy to add in regular workouts. With any luck, all of this effort will leave both my daughter and I feeling happier and healthier in the coming months!

The Margaret Thatcher Dilemma

***SPOILER ALERT** The following post contains references to the recent film, "The Iron Lady" starring Meryl Streep. If you have not yet seen the movie, please do not read this post until you have done so. If you read on, please do not blame me if I happen to give something away. ***SPOILER ALERT***

I was surprised at how moved I was by "The Iron Lady." I really identified with many aspects of Margaret Thatcher's early life--her political goals and her refusal to be satisfied in the role of a housewife. Then the movie (and presumably also her life) took a turn. As her political star continued to rise, her family life seemed to fall apart. Her kids were barely depicted in the film (her son least of all) and are hardly mentioned in any of the brief biographies I've seen. While her political accomplishments were nothing short of inspirational, I found it devastatingly sad that she did not seem able to balance that success with her family life.

Which of course led me to think about my own situation. I am slowly but surely beginning to realize that if I ever hope to have a career in the legal field, I'm going to have to start somewhere. This means that I will at some point have to sacrifice time with my daughter to spend time doing something that I might not enjoy in the hope that putting in the time now will lead to a better situation in the future. I just don't see any way around it. I can't tell you how truly sad that thought makes me, but at least I know I'll be in good company.

Turning the Tables

These past few weeks I've been papering the legal community with resumes and cover letters all in the (in my mind unlikely) event that one of these contacts would turn into a job. For some reason I've thought of this process in a very dreamy, hypothetical way--as in, "Gee, it'd be really nice to have somewhere to go every morning and get paid for being there." Now, one of my attempts has turned into something more concrete--a job interview. All of a sudden, that whole going-to-work thing doesn't sound so fun anymore...and I haven't even been offered a position yet! My mind is swamped with other details, like what are my child care options? Will I still get to hang out with all my new mom friends? I'm actually lamenting the idea that I might not be able to go to playdates or storytime at the library or to Musikgarten class.

Most interviews involve the employer grilling you with questions (like, "Where do you see yourself in five years?). I know now that my experience will be different. Now I'm not just in it for the money (though it would certainly be nice). I need to find a role that is fulfilling enough to make it worth all that time away from my daughter. That's why tomorrow I'm going to be the one doing the interviewing.

Kairos moments

This article has popped up several times on my Facebook news feed (yes, I have returned!), so I thought I'd share it here too. It's a very well-written and humorous article about all the well-meaning but unsolicited advice some of us moms get from total strangers and the effect it has on our psyches.

Mainly the author points out that there's no need to feel pressured to cherish EVERY moment with your child. There will be moments of frustration, anxiety and even anger, which are only exacerbated by mommy guilt. For whatever reason, we feel like we should be happy and joyful all the time and that's just not a realistic goal. It's enough to at least recognize the good times when they happen and allow those moments to sustain us through the not-so good times.

I'm lucky that I get to experience these moments twice-over--once when they happen and then again when I relay them to my husband. Seeing his joy and pride when I tell him about our daughter's exploits makes me feel good not only because it makes him feel good, but it also makes me feel like I'm doing something right. So even if she refused to eat anything but goldfish crackers all day, the fact that she can sing 'Rock-a-bye Baby' to her dollies more than makes up for it.

Open Letter to Melissa and Doug

Dear Melissa and Doug,

Let me begin by saying what a big fan I am of your company and your products. Every Melissa and Doug item I've ever purchased has been of extremely high quality and has provided countless hours of entertainment for my child and others who have receive the toys as gifts. That said, I was a bit disappointed with the "Nina Ballerina" magnetic doll that my daughter received for Christmas this year. My issue is not with the quality but rather with the variety of accessories included--or lack thereof. I recently purchased the "Joey" magnetic doll for my nephew and realized that he has a wider variety of costume options than Nina does. Joey can take on any number of different roles, such as a knight or a police officer, whereas Nina is limited to only being a ballerina. I understand that her name should have been an indicator of the types of outfits that would be included, but I am curious as to why you did not provide as great a variety of clothes for her. Why can't she wear a doctor's coat or even a police officer's uniform like Joey does? Not only would such options give girls greater opportunities for the pretend play that the toy is meant to encourage, but it would also help to reinforce that girls are not limited in their career choices merely because of their gender. In fact, even Joey's outfit choices are a bit gender-biased. Why can't he dress as a nurse or a teacher or take on some other role traditionally occupied by women?

Most of your other toys are fairly gender-neutral, which is why the differences between the Nina and Joey dolls really stood out to me. The fact that you make any sort of "doll" that is geared toward boys is already a step in the right direction, in my opinion. I appreciate you taking my comments into account and look forward to seeing what other sorts of great-quality products your company will produce in the future.

Sincerely,

Attorney Mom

The Legacy of Ignorance

This article made me realize something: It's funny how much we impose our own moral judgments on our kids. I think we forget about childrens' inherent innocence and in fact corrupt that innocence by making a perfectly natural process, like breastfeeding, seem akin to watching porn. We forget that kids pick up on everything that we say and in some cases what we don't say. The fact that some people are uncomfortable with witnessing a woman breastfeeding in a public place or on a TV show teaches kids that there is something wrong or bad about it, which is simply untrue.

Maybe it goes beyond this though. Maybe our culture has become so sexualized that any depiction of a breast, no matter the context, is considered to be sexual. In fact, the article seems to suggest that the mere allusion to the breast is enough to cause an uproar. According to the CDC, nearly 75% of American women have breastfed their children at one point or another, so maybe it's about time we start drawing a distinction.

New Year, New Attitude

Lately I've become inspired by the lyrics to a few classic songs--namely those on the Eagles Greatest Hits CD (cheesy, I know). A few in particular have stood out:

"Take it easy/Take it easy/Don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy/Lighten up while you still can/Don't even try to understand/Just find a place to make your stand/And take it easy." (Title should be obvious to anyone remotely familiar with the Eagles' repetoire)

"It seems to me some fine things/have been laid upon your table/But you only want the ones/you can't get..." (Desperado)

ADDED 1/18: "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains/and we never even know we have the key..." (Already Gone)

These lyrics in conjunction with some other inspirational messages and some heartfelt conversations with my husband have helped me to form a new outlook for the new year. From now on, I pledge to do my best. That's it. Just do my best in everything that I do--whether it's applying for jobs, maintaining friendships, or caring for my daughter. I'm sure some days will be better than others, but I'm confident that as long as I keep this goal in mind I can finish out the year happier and more fulfilled than ever before.